When I logged on to this blog, I wasn't expecting much. The last time I had checked I had around 4800 views, so I figured that number wouldn't have changed much considering the fact that I have been off the grid for just about two months now. However, surprises are real. I logged on and was baffled when I saw that #backontheyak had accumulated a total of over 5150 views. So obviously this blog is not a lost cause and there are still a few of you out there who have an interest in what I have to say. Thank you for not abandoning me.
It's January 4, 2016. How crazy is that? I remember the first time I really realized the magnitude of a New year. I was on my way to a dance with my YMCA Princess group and the year was 2001, soon to be 2002. I remember thinking, "2002? That's wild." I would have to write a different year on all of my papers at school and the teachers would have to erase the pre-set 2001 that had been written on all of the white boards. One of my friends in the limo said, "Imagine what it will feel like when it's 2010!" I remember scoffing and thinking, "Yeah right, we're never going to get to 2010." Well here we are in 2016...
Allow me to have a moment of nostalgia.
Every year I hear people say how year ____ is going to be "their year." As if they had accomplished nothing and had no source of happiness in the previous year. Well among all you folks saying that you're leaving everything behind in 2015 and are determined to make 2016 the best year of your life, I'm here to tell you that 2015 was my year. I kicked the year off by mustering up the courage to attend college. I did, and I killed it. Throughout the year I continued to make all A's in my classes, proving to those around me that I wasn't a basket case and I was capable of getting my act together. Over the summer, I was responsible for maintaining the life of two young boys; they taught me patience and compassion and for once in my life I began to consider that motherhood could be a part of my later adult life. That job gave me enough funds for me to singlehandedly support my self for the remainder of the year, which felt pretty awesome. In between acing papers and raising two boys, I traveled alone visiting domestic places such as Austin, Texas and Atlanta, Georgia, along with Washington D.C. I built a better relationship with old friends and I learned to let go of those new friends who may not have been actual friends. I obtained a new personal record for the amount of books read in a year, and beefed up on all sorts of walks of life. I flooded my room with French vocabulary in an attempt to become more literate in a foreign language. However, somewhere between all of those lines, I also found myself in another personal mental crisis. I wasn't unhappy, per se, but I wasn't necessarily happy either. Instead of pulling the plug on my own life or running away to India, I learned the importance of relying on my support system. I found my footing in the eyes of those who truly loved me. During the turbulence, I realized that maybe art wasn't the path I needed to live on, but rather a side path that I could find joy in when needed. The path that I needed to live on, the path that was always in my life but I had never considered building a home on was English. It has always been something I can be passionate about and it is a subject in which I have always thrived. I realized that I don't need to be different or peculiar in order for people to find me interesting. Rather, someone taught me that I am perfectly capable of being loved if I remain 100% true to myself. This person also taught me that the world isn't always out to get you, and that everything that comes out of a person's mouth isn't always a lie. This person is my precious Logan and he has given me more than either of us thought possible. I am able to live with my past and the mistakes that I have made, but I am also able to see a future, which is a new thing that I find... pretty amazing. There is some goodness and kindness left in the world, and for once in my life, I feel safe and secure and beautiful and loved.
This was my 2015. Like most years, I exited the year a much different person than when I entered it. Honestly, I am exiting the year as a person I never planned on being. That is not a bad thing; it is actually the greatest blessing I have ever been given. I entered 2016 in the arms of someone I love under a sky full of colors and blasts, and I am excited to see what the rest of the year has to offer. Obviously, I can't speak for the rest of the year, but today, I am happy. I feel myself sliding back into that yak and that puts a smile on my face.
So thank you to those who haven't given up on my blog. Thank you to those who abandoned me. Thank you to my boys for naming me the Battleship Queen and for telling me that you love me. Thank you to my mother and my father for remaining patient and supportive while I adjust to myself. Thank you to my sister for coming to me when I was in a dark place and bringing me light before it was too late. Thank you to my Schloemer family for providing me with a home when mine was not an option. Thank you to Logan for exceeding all expectations and for constantly sweeping me off my feet and for holding me and kissing my forehead whenever I have a breakdown. Thank you to everyone who participated in building this stronger and wiser Jillianne that is leaving 2015 and entering 2016. You are worth more than you know.
Showing posts with label amazing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amazing. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2016
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Paddle Lo, Sweet Jellyfish
8:52 p.m. September 12, 2015
Logan: What time do I need to be there tomorrow?
Me: Maybe 9:30-10? The later it is, the choppier the water is
Logan: I'll probably leave my house at around 8:30
Me: Yeah, that sounds fine
Logan: Ugh I'm so excited. I think I'm going to go to bed right now so it will get here faster
My eyes open and I roll over to look at the clock.
9:10
I blink at the time before I realize.. Logan will be here any minute. *Gasp* He could be here right now! Oh my God. I leap out of bed and throw on some shorts. My mother pokes her head in my door and says, "Sweetie, what time is Logan supposed to arrive?"
I take a breath of relief and say, "I don't know, probably soon." I reach over my bed and look at my phone.
8:20 Logan: Well I'm leaving now
8:20 Logan: I'll see you in a bit
9:11 I'm like ten minutes away
"Actually, he'll be here in ten minutes," I say with a smile.
Mom nods and walks out. I finish getting dressed before walking outside to get everything ready. I hear Mom call to me as I walk out the door, "Paddle and life vests are already in the car!" I turn around and sit in the kitchen with her and Kirby.
Kirby is talking about the football games we missed last night and how his job "is really cutting into turn-up nights". I'm not paying attention, I just sit and watch out the window, waiting for Lo to pull up.
I walk over into the dining room to look for my shoes when I see a car pull into the front circle. A small squeal escapes my mouth and I smile over at my mother and say, "He's here." She rolls her eyes as I dance out the door to give him a hug.
"Welcome to my home!" I say as I wrap my arms around him.
"Jillianne, do not go down Alligator Alley. It's cold outside so they're probably all out and about enjoying this weather," my mother says as I fill up two water bottles.
"I think it's the opposite," Kirby chimes in, "They don't like the cold."
Mom gives him a glare and says, "No, there will be a ton of them, just waiting for a snack to drift by."
Lo pipes in, "I actually think this guy is right. They don't like cold. I think they'll just stay at the bottom."
I laugh nervously as I search for the lids that go with the bottles.
"Well, either way.." Mom can't finish her argument.
During the drive to the launch, I give Logan the tour of my town; telling him which bank is mine, the school I went to, where Mom works, Jane Todd's house, and the beach.
When we finally have the boats in the water, it's about 10:15. I've been kayaking during this time before and I was nervous when I realized I would be doing it again today. Normally at this time, the water starts to get wavy, making it difficult during certain stretches of the trip. But today seemed to have a different aura about it. The temperature was in the low 70s and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. There was a nice breeze but it didn't seem to affect the water at all. The water wasn't still, but it wasn't necessarily rough either, it seemed lovely. For a normal September day in the South, it couldn't be any less normal.
I push Logan out into the water and he tries to stay in place.
"Paddle out into the opening," I say.
"No, then I'll miss you. I'll sit and wait."
I laugh and sit in my kayak, scooting along into the water. Gliding past him, I head left out to the main water. He trails behind me as I tell him which way the golf course is and which way we'll be coming back from, "Just so you know where you are," I smile at him.
I look back and see Logan far behind. I put my paddle down and fold my hands in my lap, listening to the cicadas' humming fill the air. Normally in Mississippi, you can't see fall coming. There is no transition, you go to bed one day in the summer and wake up the next morning in the winter. Trees lose their leaves over night and what was once a lush green area becomes a dead brown spot all within the blink of an eye. But on that abnormal September morning, I could feel fall approaching. I looked up at the tops of the Pine trees that line the murky banks of this swamp and notice that the higher branches of needles have been dipped in shades of red and orange. The majority of the tree is still green, and I think I probably wouldn't have noticed the change in color if I hadn't stopped to look. Blades of grass that stick out above the water wave and dance as I drift, almost as if they are happy that I am back with them, enjoying this beautiful day in their company.
Logan catches up with me and says, "I need to up my game so we can paddle together."
I laugh and say, "I'll try to take it easy."
We begin making our way through Alligator Alley and Logan comments on the beauty. I nod but something next to me catches my eye. At first I thought it was just a fish, but it was too white. Then I thought it was a trash bag floating along, but when I focus on it through the dirty water, I realize: It's a jellyfish. "Logan!" I yell. "Look! Oh my gosh! It's a jellyfish! What?! I've never seen one before! Why is it here! Logan, look! Oh my gosh! Do you see it? What on Earth? Can you believe it? A jellyfish, Logan! Look! Wait, oh my gosh, come back! I need a picture. Logan, do you see it?!" I try to paddle back to find it as I whip out my camera. It dances along through the water, twirling in circles and pumping up and down below me. Logan makes his way over and watches it, not exactly sharing my same level of enthusiasm. "How have I never seen one before?" I ask as I admire it from afar.
Continuing down the alley, I spot another one. This one is red and much smaller than the last one. Logan smiles and says, "Would you look at that?"
As we paddle back around the island towards the house, Logan asks me how I know my way around so well, "Like, how did you find all of these little pathways and stuff?" I tell him how when I first got my kayak, Trea and I went out here everyday and just took a different route each time.
"So you mapped it out by just exploring?" he says.
I smile, "Yeah. I like it put that way."
As we get closer to the launch, Logan grabs the side of my kayak and thanks me for bringing him out here.
"I know how special this place is to you, and I appreciate the fact that you wanted to share it with me. This has been wonderful, truly," he says with a smile before leaning over and giving me a kiss. I smile and tell him that I hope he wants to come back sometime.
We pull up to the launch and take a breath. Logan sighs and says, "I don't want to stop, but I'm also really hungry."
I laugh and suggest a good place for lunch. I grab my paddle and look down into the water before I step out..
And there, dancing above the ground in the 6-inch deep water that sits in between Lo and I, is a jellyfish. My eyes widen and I smile, not having any words left to describe my joy. Logan smiles at it and then smiles at me, saying, "What a perfect way to end this perfect trip."
Logan: What time do I need to be there tomorrow?
Me: Maybe 9:30-10? The later it is, the choppier the water is
Logan: I'll probably leave my house at around 8:30
Me: Yeah, that sounds fine
Logan: Ugh I'm so excited. I think I'm going to go to bed right now so it will get here faster
My eyes open and I roll over to look at the clock.
9:10
I blink at the time before I realize.. Logan will be here any minute. *Gasp* He could be here right now! Oh my God. I leap out of bed and throw on some shorts. My mother pokes her head in my door and says, "Sweetie, what time is Logan supposed to arrive?"
I take a breath of relief and say, "I don't know, probably soon." I reach over my bed and look at my phone.
8:20 Logan: Well I'm leaving now
8:20 Logan: I'll see you in a bit
9:11 I'm like ten minutes away
"Actually, he'll be here in ten minutes," I say with a smile.
Mom nods and walks out. I finish getting dressed before walking outside to get everything ready. I hear Mom call to me as I walk out the door, "Paddle and life vests are already in the car!" I turn around and sit in the kitchen with her and Kirby.
Kirby is talking about the football games we missed last night and how his job "is really cutting into turn-up nights". I'm not paying attention, I just sit and watch out the window, waiting for Lo to pull up.
I walk over into the dining room to look for my shoes when I see a car pull into the front circle. A small squeal escapes my mouth and I smile over at my mother and say, "He's here." She rolls her eyes as I dance out the door to give him a hug.
"Welcome to my home!" I say as I wrap my arms around him.
"Jillianne, do not go down Alligator Alley. It's cold outside so they're probably all out and about enjoying this weather," my mother says as I fill up two water bottles.
"I think it's the opposite," Kirby chimes in, "They don't like the cold."
Mom gives him a glare and says, "No, there will be a ton of them, just waiting for a snack to drift by."
Lo pipes in, "I actually think this guy is right. They don't like cold. I think they'll just stay at the bottom."
I laugh nervously as I search for the lids that go with the bottles.
"Well, either way.." Mom can't finish her argument.
During the drive to the launch, I give Logan the tour of my town; telling him which bank is mine, the school I went to, where Mom works, Jane Todd's house, and the beach.
When we finally have the boats in the water, it's about 10:15. I've been kayaking during this time before and I was nervous when I realized I would be doing it again today. Normally at this time, the water starts to get wavy, making it difficult during certain stretches of the trip. But today seemed to have a different aura about it. The temperature was in the low 70s and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. There was a nice breeze but it didn't seem to affect the water at all. The water wasn't still, but it wasn't necessarily rough either, it seemed lovely. For a normal September day in the South, it couldn't be any less normal.
I push Logan out into the water and he tries to stay in place.
"Paddle out into the opening," I say.
"No, then I'll miss you. I'll sit and wait."
I laugh and sit in my kayak, scooting along into the water. Gliding past him, I head left out to the main water. He trails behind me as I tell him which way the golf course is and which way we'll be coming back from, "Just so you know where you are," I smile at him.
I look back and see Logan far behind. I put my paddle down and fold my hands in my lap, listening to the cicadas' humming fill the air. Normally in Mississippi, you can't see fall coming. There is no transition, you go to bed one day in the summer and wake up the next morning in the winter. Trees lose their leaves over night and what was once a lush green area becomes a dead brown spot all within the blink of an eye. But on that abnormal September morning, I could feel fall approaching. I looked up at the tops of the Pine trees that line the murky banks of this swamp and notice that the higher branches of needles have been dipped in shades of red and orange. The majority of the tree is still green, and I think I probably wouldn't have noticed the change in color if I hadn't stopped to look. Blades of grass that stick out above the water wave and dance as I drift, almost as if they are happy that I am back with them, enjoying this beautiful day in their company.
Logan catches up with me and says, "I need to up my game so we can paddle together."
I laugh and say, "I'll try to take it easy."
We begin making our way through Alligator Alley and Logan comments on the beauty. I nod but something next to me catches my eye. At first I thought it was just a fish, but it was too white. Then I thought it was a trash bag floating along, but when I focus on it through the dirty water, I realize: It's a jellyfish. "Logan!" I yell. "Look! Oh my gosh! It's a jellyfish! What?! I've never seen one before! Why is it here! Logan, look! Oh my gosh! Do you see it? What on Earth? Can you believe it? A jellyfish, Logan! Look! Wait, oh my gosh, come back! I need a picture. Logan, do you see it?!" I try to paddle back to find it as I whip out my camera. It dances along through the water, twirling in circles and pumping up and down below me. Logan makes his way over and watches it, not exactly sharing my same level of enthusiasm. "How have I never seen one before?" I ask as I admire it from afar.
Continuing down the alley, I spot another one. This one is red and much smaller than the last one. Logan smiles and says, "Would you look at that?"
As we paddle back around the island towards the house, Logan asks me how I know my way around so well, "Like, how did you find all of these little pathways and stuff?" I tell him how when I first got my kayak, Trea and I went out here everyday and just took a different route each time.
"So you mapped it out by just exploring?" he says.
I smile, "Yeah. I like it put that way."
As we get closer to the launch, Logan grabs the side of my kayak and thanks me for bringing him out here.
"I know how special this place is to you, and I appreciate the fact that you wanted to share it with me. This has been wonderful, truly," he says with a smile before leaning over and giving me a kiss. I smile and tell him that I hope he wants to come back sometime.
We pull up to the launch and take a breath. Logan sighs and says, "I don't want to stop, but I'm also really hungry."
I laugh and suggest a good place for lunch. I grab my paddle and look down into the water before I step out..
And there, dancing above the ground in the 6-inch deep water that sits in between Lo and I, is a jellyfish. My eyes widen and I smile, not having any words left to describe my joy. Logan smiles at it and then smiles at me, saying, "What a perfect way to end this perfect trip."
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