When I logged on to this blog, I wasn't expecting much. The last time I had checked I had around 4800 views, so I figured that number wouldn't have changed much considering the fact that I have been off the grid for just about two months now. However, surprises are real. I logged on and was baffled when I saw that #backontheyak had accumulated a total of over 5150 views. So obviously this blog is not a lost cause and there are still a few of you out there who have an interest in what I have to say. Thank you for not abandoning me.
It's January 4, 2016. How crazy is that? I remember the first time I really realized the magnitude of a New year. I was on my way to a dance with my YMCA Princess group and the year was 2001, soon to be 2002. I remember thinking, "2002? That's wild." I would have to write a different year on all of my papers at school and the teachers would have to erase the pre-set 2001 that had been written on all of the white boards. One of my friends in the limo said, "Imagine what it will feel like when it's 2010!" I remember scoffing and thinking, "Yeah right, we're never going to get to 2010." Well here we are in 2016...
Allow me to have a moment of nostalgia.
Every year I hear people say how year ____ is going to be "their year." As if they had accomplished nothing and had no source of happiness in the previous year. Well among all you folks saying that you're leaving everything behind in 2015 and are determined to make 2016 the best year of your life, I'm here to tell you that 2015 was my year. I kicked the year off by mustering up the courage to attend college. I did, and I killed it. Throughout the year I continued to make all A's in my classes, proving to those around me that I wasn't a basket case and I was capable of getting my act together. Over the summer, I was responsible for maintaining the life of two young boys; they taught me patience and compassion and for once in my life I began to consider that motherhood could be a part of my later adult life. That job gave me enough funds for me to singlehandedly support my self for the remainder of the year, which felt pretty awesome. In between acing papers and raising two boys, I traveled alone visiting domestic places such as Austin, Texas and Atlanta, Georgia, along with Washington D.C. I built a better relationship with old friends and I learned to let go of those new friends who may not have been actual friends. I obtained a new personal record for the amount of books read in a year, and beefed up on all sorts of walks of life. I flooded my room with French vocabulary in an attempt to become more literate in a foreign language. However, somewhere between all of those lines, I also found myself in another personal mental crisis. I wasn't unhappy, per se, but I wasn't necessarily happy either. Instead of pulling the plug on my own life or running away to India, I learned the importance of relying on my support system. I found my footing in the eyes of those who truly loved me. During the turbulence, I realized that maybe art wasn't the path I needed to live on, but rather a side path that I could find joy in when needed. The path that I needed to live on, the path that was always in my life but I had never considered building a home on was English. It has always been something I can be passionate about and it is a subject in which I have always thrived. I realized that I don't need to be different or peculiar in order for people to find me interesting. Rather, someone taught me that I am perfectly capable of being loved if I remain 100% true to myself. This person also taught me that the world isn't always out to get you, and that everything that comes out of a person's mouth isn't always a lie. This person is my precious Logan and he has given me more than either of us thought possible. I am able to live with my past and the mistakes that I have made, but I am also able to see a future, which is a new thing that I find... pretty amazing. There is some goodness and kindness left in the world, and for once in my life, I feel safe and secure and beautiful and loved.
This was my 2015. Like most years, I exited the year a much different person than when I entered it. Honestly, I am exiting the year as a person I never planned on being. That is not a bad thing; it is actually the greatest blessing I have ever been given. I entered 2016 in the arms of someone I love under a sky full of colors and blasts, and I am excited to see what the rest of the year has to offer. Obviously, I can't speak for the rest of the year, but today, I am happy. I feel myself sliding back into that yak and that puts a smile on my face.
So thank you to those who haven't given up on my blog. Thank you to those who abandoned me. Thank you to my boys for naming me the Battleship Queen and for telling me that you love me. Thank you to my mother and my father for remaining patient and supportive while I adjust to myself. Thank you to my sister for coming to me when I was in a dark place and bringing me light before it was too late. Thank you to my Schloemer family for providing me with a home when mine was not an option. Thank you to Logan for exceeding all expectations and for constantly sweeping me off my feet and for holding me and kissing my forehead whenever I have a breakdown. Thank you to everyone who participated in building this stronger and wiser Jillianne that is leaving 2015 and entering 2016. You are worth more than you know.
No comments:
Post a Comment